Day somethin' somethin'

Hi there.

So it's been a super long time and things have sort of gone to shit on this end of the stick. Let me give you the skinny...

I went to yoga school, the second semester. It was during a time when work was corn-brain-mashing my existence and I was letting it happen. I wasn't getting any sleep and I sure didn't have the time or energy to do anything else but work, brush my teeth, shower (probably), and curse in my head. On the topic of my head, I managed to acquire a headache that lasted for about 5 weeks straight, which at the 3 week mark provoked me to go to the doctors.  The doctor told me I was burnt out, that I had a tension headache and some of the other symptoms (stomachache, fatigue, emotional collapse) that I was suffering from were probably related. My system is in a funk and I need to take a break so I can fix it.

Back to Yoga School, Second Semester, Asana II... While all this work madness was happening, I was trying to do my home practice, go to classes a couple of times a week, do my homework for Asana II, and just be straight up excited about yoga. You know... because I love it so much. But I just couldn't get excited.  The teacher was rubbing me the wrong way, which could have been due to my lack of sanity. I couldn't get into my home practice because I was either too tired from being up all night or I was working. When I could get to it, I would feel guilty for wanting to do things to make myself feel better instead of practicing the poses for the class. Then I'd feel bad for not doing 2 hours of practice. Then I'd feel bad about feeling bad.  I'd head to class on a rare occasion and feel bad for being so tired. Everything felt like an obligation, which made me feel horrible. So sad. From love to dreadful obligation. Not fully aware of the full robe of pain that I was wearing from work, I blamed the practice. I blamed the program. I blamed and lost my head in a world that was everything but simple self awareness. Because when you are tired like that you don't know what's going on.

After talking with some people in the program and a couple who had been though it,  I felt like I didn't need to go through that certification program to get certified. It's not a requirement. It just makes it easier for you to get those hours and it streamlines the training. If I truly want this discipline in my life and I want to teach it, my desires and passion should take me there. This is what I felt at the time when I decide to take a break from the program. At this time I'm not sure what the right decision is regarding the program. But one thing has made itself pretty clear.  I had gotten to the point that I did not even have time/energy to do one thing for myself that I knew would help me feel better. I had even forgotten for a moment what it felt like to feel good. I became totally unaware of my self.  So I just took the time off from the demands of the program, took time off of work (by my own doing and the doctors) and am trying to get back to the self awareness thing - so now I'm back to practicing and I really enjoy it.

In retrospect, I should have taken this time for myself from the beginning, because in a work day you can only get so much done. You can only put 12 eggs into a carton fit for a dozen. I should have taken the dedication for my job and put it towards yoga. In 30 years, out of those two, which would I most like still have? My job or my yoga practice? What am I most passionate about in life? What do I want?  I think I'm one of those people that could easily let work consume a large portion of my life, and if that is indeed the case, why would it be anything other than what I love?

This is not to say that I will love teaching yoga, I've never done it for christ sake. This is also not to say that  I will quit working in technology. WHAT am I saying?!?!?! I think what I'm saying is it sure would be great to figure this out. :) Perhaps I should rename this blog to "Jess self-life coaches to greatness", because that is what's about to happen.

Day 30 & 31

Hello,

It's Jess. Coming to you live from my bed, where I sit with some backache in my lower latissimus dorsi muscle. Where is that you ask? Middle lower back. I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I'm thinking it was the setu bandha sarvangasana (bridge pose) that I did on Friday evening. Cathy was being a bit of a drill Sargent about getting our chests into our chins and our anuses into the air... Damn you high anus!

This is a bit of a creeper pain. Didn't rear it's head til today.

Class this weekend had some ups and downs. I admitted my 'hatered' for some poses, never mentioning which ones... But also heard some confessions of the same from others. Even from John, the yoga sutras teacher. He said for him, it came down to his satisfying his ego, only doing the poses which he could do well and avoiding those he could not do well. He eventually go over that but apparently it not a quick and easy practice... I suppose the act of telling your ego to get over it means getting over your ego. Good grief. I'm not even sure when my ego is around so i'll need to figure that out first.

I'll talk more about the actual yoga in the next post, learned some good groin openers that were finger lickin' good :) must share! However, Must sleep now. Bye bye.

Day 29

Yesterday was the second session of classes at the Iyengar Yoga Institute.  I was dreading the commute all day long, and of course it's been raining which makes the Muni all the more fun to be on. But once I got there it was good.

Utkatasana

We started off with the two poses that I like to call the Annoying Poses... Urdhva Hastasana and Utkatasana. We learned some variations that actually made them something I could see myself enjoying during my home practice... If you remember Utkatasana is like the image to the right. The picture might be slightly off as you are supposed to raise your pelvis up and have your arms behind your ears. Your hands are together. The arms in this position are reaching up, pinky finger towards the ceiling and your chest and armpits are opening up to the space in front of you. Also, shoulders are not lifting up, so you need to make the conscious effort to pull the shoulder blades down the back.

Why it was not so bad in class:
After doing this a couple times, it was apparent that nobody's arms wanted to stay firm and behind the ears. Your body, it just doesn't want to do that. So we put belts around our arms, right below the elbows, put our hands together made our arms firm, THEN put them behind our ears. At that point someone else came behind us and tightened the belt. Your arms at that point are not moving as the belt blocks them from coming to the front of your ears. I might even say good times.


The class was good overall. Cathy also told us to think about the 8 limbs of yoga and how they relate to our practice. The first limb of yoga is ahimsa: to practice non-violence. This may seem easy but to get to the level of not hating anything is where we want to be. I'm thinking that means I (or we as people) should just understand situations that we would otherwise dislike or hate and go on, but not dwell in whatever passionate feelings we might have for them. SO. I am going to try to apply this to the annoying poses AND take it beyond the practice to the Muni + Rain situation I'm about to endure.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Day 25

Hello. It's been a while since the last post...

Daily practice has been going. but it has been rough. Since we last talked, I've taken a few classes which are always fun, with both Annette and Garrell. I also took a 3 hour workshop this last Saturday on Improving Your Home Practice. Considering my current struggles with obligation, this workshop came at the perfect time.

One of the major things I've learned here is that it does not have to be a struggle or daunting. It should be a routine of annoying poses that makes me feel inadequate because of physical limitation. Challenging myself is indeed something I need to continue with, but at this time the challenge is the routinized daily act of getting on the mat and getting some practice in that *always* makes me feel good.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit.” - Aristotle 

Repetition is important here. Get up everyday, shower, get on the mat. Studies have shown that it takes 21 days to form a habit. Though I've been practicing everyday (except for last thursday and yesterday |:), it's never at the same time of day. I'm going to do the 7am wake up, shower, get on the mat routine.  I may break up the practice - morning and when I get home from work do 20 minutes of inversions to calm my brain.

I have always thought to myself that if I consistently did anything that I would be great at that whatever. I feel this has proven true in my life. It's the motivation and discipline to practice that is the key to being excellent in the activities that I am practicing.

By the way, I did practice this morning. Also, though it seems like I said the word 'practice' 200 times, it was actually under 10.

Day 15

Handstand. Almost.

Achieving a handstand is one of my big goals. The reason for this is because the thing that is keeping me from actually getting up is fear. "See the fear and do it anyways." This is what Annette tells us in class. I'm intelligent enough to know that I'm not going to die if I should fail.  Good god if I did. It's like my right leg turns into a 200 lb weight. Or maybe it just is 200 lbs and I have Mega Bones®, made from 100% solid <insert-heaviest-material-here>. 

But really. It's my brain and it's a little scared of something that's really not that bad. I'll get over it one day. That will be a big day.

Day 13

Weather: Rain, wetness

Today's Overall Feeling: weirdness

Got some good things going on this morning. I seem to be gaining great balance in my core. Or at least it feels that way today. I'm able to hold my headstand, unsupported by the wall, for almost 3 minutes (for today). So exhilarating. <-- hear my thrills.  speaking to core strength, I was even able to hold a handstand for almost 1/2 a minute the other day. I did of course receive some assistance kicking up, but I'm secure with me so it's all good. :)

Today I'd like to talk about another pose that I find to be annoying. This one is a real killer but looks like it should not be: Utkatasana.

Annoying pose #2

In this pose you have to sit down as far as possible, be really stable on your feet, while your arms are in annoying pose #1, urdhva hastasana. The deal here is my legs, stomach, calves, butt, back, arms and face start to feel. Feel like they want to burst their way off my body, onto the floor in a bloody pile. This might seem rather dramatic to you, but really it's a good translation of my muscle speak. But I feel this and think. I bet somewhere in this world someone has never sat in a chair and this is what they do to emulate the action of sitting. And here I am having a mind meltdown because I'm to do this for a minute. Jess. Please.

I know as I keep doing these 'annoying' poses I will grow to love them, or at the very least, not mind them.  Also I should probably change my tune and call them 'challenging' poses. but really the feeling I get right before I know I'm going to do it is annoyance, so let's go with that for now ;) I'm new at this! Give me time!

Day 11

Hi Daily Practice, It's Jess.

I know that we have just recently made our relationship official after a year of informally seeing each other. I don't want to say that things are different now or that you have changed... I think it's me. The commitment is weird for me and I just wanted you to know that I'm going to make this work. It has to. You are so good for me. You clear my brain and make days better. But I'm willing to admit there is some weirdness. It's only been 11 days and I'm beginning to understand what it is about me that is making it hard. I am a lazy goon, a prized possession in my own world. Waiting for a golden pony to which I can fashion a saddle. What world do I think I'm living in?! Please help me!...

Be patient with me. I love you daily practice and we will make it through these hard times.
Jess

P.S. Today I did variations of forward bends (uttanasana), downward-dog (adho mukha savasana), bound angle pose (baddha konasana), hero pose (virasana), janu sirsanasa, and wide angle forward bend (uphavista konasana). Zang.