Hi there.
So it's been a super long time and things have sort of gone to shit on this end of the stick. Let me give you the skinny...
I went to yoga school, the second semester. It was during a time when work was corn-brain-mashing my existence and I was letting it happen. I wasn't getting any sleep and I sure didn't have the time or energy to do anything else but work, brush my teeth, shower (probably), and curse in my head. On the topic of my head, I managed to acquire a headache that lasted for about 5 weeks straight, which at the 3 week mark provoked me to go to the doctors. The doctor told me I was burnt out, that I had a tension headache and some of the other symptoms (stomachache, fatigue, emotional collapse) that I was suffering from were probably related. My system is in a funk and I need to take a break so I can fix it.
Back to Yoga School, Second Semester, Asana II... While all this work madness was happening, I was trying to do my home practice, go to classes a couple of times a week, do my homework for Asana II, and just be straight up excited about yoga. You know... because I love it so much. But I just couldn't get excited. The teacher was rubbing me the wrong way, which could have been due to my lack of sanity. I couldn't get into my home practice because I was either too tired from being up all night or I was working. When I could get to it, I would feel guilty for wanting to do things to make myself feel better instead of practicing the poses for the class. Then I'd feel bad for not doing 2 hours of practice. Then I'd feel bad about feeling bad. I'd head to class on a rare occasion and feel bad for being so tired. Everything felt like an obligation, which made me feel horrible. So sad. From love to dreadful obligation. Not fully aware of the full robe of pain that I was wearing from work, I blamed the practice. I blamed the program. I blamed and lost my head in a world that was everything but simple self awareness. Because when you are tired like that you don't know what's going on.
After talking with some people in the program and a couple who had been though it, I felt like I didn't need to go through that certification program to get certified. It's not a requirement. It just makes it easier for you to get those hours and it streamlines the training. If I truly want this discipline in my life and I want to teach it, my desires and passion should take me there. This is what I felt at the time when I decide to take a break from the program. At this time I'm not sure what the right decision is regarding the program. But one thing has made itself pretty clear. I had gotten to the point that I did not even have time/energy to do one thing for myself that I knew would help me feel better. I had even forgotten for a moment what it felt like to feel good. I became totally unaware of my self. So I just took the time off from the demands of the program, took time off of work (by my own doing and the doctors) and am trying to get back to the self awareness thing - so now I'm back to practicing and I really enjoy it.
In retrospect, I should have taken this time for myself from the beginning, because in a work day you can only get so much done. You can only put 12 eggs into a carton fit for a dozen. I should have taken the dedication for my job and put it towards yoga. In 30 years, out of those two, which would I most like still have? My job or my yoga practice? What am I most passionate about in life? What do I want? I think I'm one of those people that could easily let work consume a large portion of my life, and if that is indeed the case, why would it be anything other than what I love?
This is not to say that I will love teaching yoga, I've never done it for christ sake. This is also not to say that I will quit working in technology. WHAT am I saying?!?!?! I think what I'm saying is it sure would be great to figure this out. :) Perhaps I should rename this blog to "Jess self-life coaches to greatness", because that is what's about to happen.
